• Christopher G. Moore


I always thought at trophy shouldn’t be used in a sentence that didn’t include bowling shoes. I was wrong. I just read an article where trophy was used in the same sentence as Asian women. That should make it toxic for any white male author, especially one living in Thailand and married to an Asian woman, and ingesting something toxic, as we are told by our mothers will turn you green, throw up, and guarantee a trip to the emergency ward.

Never mind that we soon enough unlearn our lessons of childhood. Asian men and women, on the other hand, never forget what their mother taught them. They stay far away from anything that remotely might cause a loss of face. If that happens, well, just go to the end of this rant and you’ll get and idea of what happens. Back to the main point: the question is really why marrying a Western man doesn’t cause the Asian bride and her family’s face to be shattered like a mirror hit with a hammer?

Ying Chu’s article The New Trophy Wives: Asian Women pretends to let out the dirty secret that really, really wealthy men, the one’s with enough fuck you money, to well, fuck you, decide to marry Asia women. Chu’s essay avoids larger point, which in the words of Aristotle Onassis, who as far as we know never married an Asian woman, “If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.”

Maybe rich men have moved on since Onassis’ time.

Others have websites are devoted to tracking Asian beauties and cross-cultural relationships. Maybe in her circles poor Western men who at the end of the line of a trophy in just about everything they do, can never hope to get an Asian wife. I personally know a lot of men who aren’t rich and have Asian wives. If you went through the list of Forbes richest men, I suspect most of the white guys on the list don’t have Asian wives. And if they dumped their existing wife, would probably marry someone just like her. Younger, but basically the same version with a few more features and upgraded systems. Lift the hood on any male, and what you find is mixed in with a quart of testosterone, electrical system held together by habit, valves pumped with porno films, and a design flaw that comes from following the blueprint of My Fair Lady. But I don’t want to complicate a good story with too many inconvenient facts.

Bowling. Dating, marriage, inter-racial stuff kinda comes down to bowling.

There was a book a few years ago called Bowling Alone or words to that effect. Basically you could say it was for guys who never got a trophy and knew nothing about Asian women who, in my experience, rarely go anywhere near bowling alleys. What few bowling alleys that exist in Asia no one has ever counted, or if they have, it is buried in some Shanghai vault. I’d guess, though, and what is life unless we can’t speculate, Asian bowling alleys could be counted on two hands and one foot. Don’t get me started on feet. But filthy rich Americans don’t exactly grow on trees. And the few pears that do occasionally fall, shouldn’t they be received into the waiting arms of American women who aren’t Asian?

Anyone who thinks that his Asian woman can be displayed as a trophy on his personal social mantle is in for a big surprise. In fact, for many, many surprises; and the old Chinese saying that may your life be interesting is one of those ninja stars that suddenly appear lodging themselves in the throat or back or foot of a Woody Allen relationship clones who treats an Asian woman are decorative wallpaper. Or a trophy. Whatever. Something that looks good on the arm or the wall. Seriously, leaving aside the celebrities and boldfaced names, anyone marrying someone from another culture is doomed without some understanding of the mental wiring of their intended mate. They need to spend some time on the ground in Asia. Read a few books. See some films. Get a cross-cultural consultant or two. Of course, we don’t know that these rich guys didn’t do this. But I’ve seen first hand some rich men who have crashed and burned in a marriage that lost its wings and feel to earth. I see that as ironic. Actually, in most cases it is more moronic than ironic.

Powerful, supremely competent lords of the business realm men understand the importance of due diligence when doing a business deal but a petite Asian woman smiles at them, and fuck due diligence, common sense. If one of men in their vast empire of serfs ordered a pizza the way these men pick a wife, they’d be fired? How is that people so rich and power go from throwing strike after strike to sending one after another gutter ball without really understanding they are losing the game? What happened to these guys on the way to the trophy room? Asia isn’t the only place in the world that produces stunningly beautiful women. Try Latin America, Russia, or Denmark. Supermodels, Miss Universes, actresses—the whole world parade of beautiful women shows Asian women have no lock on beauty.

No one has to do a great deal of research to prove these highly beautiful women around the world aren’t leaping to marry unemployed, homeless white men. Or white men who work as a fry cook for the minimum wage. Even if he has a good heart. Good teeth. Two working arms and legs and a full head of hair. No, women everywhere, it seems, want something else.

But let’s stay with Asia. The trend, they say, shows that rich white men have a fetish not just for beautiful women, but beautiful, petite, and young Asian women. As you can see I have a number of questions that spring from Ying Chu’s article The New Trophy Wives: Asian Women.

But Ying Chu’s article isn’t about Asian girlfriends; it’s about Asian wives. You have to commit to the bowling league to be taken seriously. Get the shirt, the shoes, the ball, and get yourself accepted into the new culture. Or you could just pretend that she only looks Asian; but in fact she’s really an American. Or Canadian. Or English. You get the picture. Looks can be deceiving. That’s the point. Since The World of Suzie Wong and A Woman of Bangkok created the mental image of an Asian woman that a Western male has a moral obligation to rescue a woman. Men in the West have been drawn to the image of the Asian woman in silk pajamas, funny accent, passive, polite, and small—kinda trophy size—that has messed up the minds of many men from London to New York and Toronto. Most men from Vancouver of course understand this perfectly. There is always an exception.

Let’s look at the lineup on this Rich man’s bowling team: Rupert Murdoch, Leslie Mooves (never heard of him but he’s some big wheel at CBS), Nicolas Cage (hammered for marrying not just an Asian but a young Asian), Bruce Wasserstein (rich guy) and Vivi Nevo (another rich guy). Basically these are all terribly filthy rich guys. Chu’s band of brothers share a common history—they have bowled one perfect game after another. Never losing. Over confident men who believe they are masters, that they are the exception to the rule—of every rule ever invented.

Women everywhere have evolved radar to locate such a man. Asian women have the same tracking equipment. An Asian woman, like any other woman, understands this white guy actually believes that his bowling team, of which he is the captain, is in a league of his own. She encourages him in his belief that he is the ultimate winner. She applauds and smiles. It’s as if all women, not just Asians, grew up reading the Art of War. Winning is all about how and when to applaud, pull back. Ambush. Wait until he’s wrong footed. Then go in for the kill. She’s patient. She understands the value of a rich man’s delusion.

That and guilt are a woman’s best friend—I have a wise Thai friend who once said the fundamental difference between men and women is vastly greater than any difference of culture, race and nationality that separate any two men. But that’s another bowling team essay.

Everyone knows if you have that kind of money you never have to bowl alone. So why are these guys seriously into marrying Asian? Is it because there are more of them? They cost less to feed? Smaller sizes means less yardage to buy in terms of fabric. I have an answer. Of sorts.

Charles Darwin who never married a petite Asian woman

All these rich Western men have Asian wives because, in their view, it makes them look like winners. If you always think of yourself as a winner, and need to display how excellent your performance is, then bring on the evidence, baby. Exhibit A in a size zero dress; if she were any smaller she could be worn on the lapel. Alpha males in all primate colonies want to be seen has having the best of all possible women. Naked apes are no different. Evolution favors the children sired by alpha males. Asian or otherwise, women are attracted to alpha male.

There is no need to channel Charles Darwin with this question: Have Asian women have evolved a winning variation giving them a natural selection an advantage (like the peacock) in the competition for mates? He left his answer: “that man with all his noble qualities, with sympathy which feels for the most debased, with benevolence which extends not only to other men but to the humblest living creature, with his god-like intellect which has penetrated into the movements and constitution of the solar system–with all these exalted powers–Man still bears in his bodily frame the indelible stamp of his lowly origin.”

In other words, an Asian beauty, or any other beauty for that matter, can’t cover up the fact, rich or poor, we males are naked apes looking to show our social status and rank.

Oh, before I forget, next time you’re in a Thai restaurant, or Thailand, ask a local about the relationship of girlfriends and wives to ducks. That’s right, ducks. Trust me. Ask. Ducks, you know, the feathered bird known as “Donald” or “Peking.” Ducks eat just about anything. Ask a local what an Asian girlfriend or wife feeds to a duck after she has discovered that her boyfriend or husband with another woman (beautiful or not). Hint: there are a number of Thai doctors that have become very rich in a highly specialized area of reconstructive surgery (assuming the duck is slow off the mark) who do the best they can for such a husband. When the duck gets there first, then no matter how rich the guy is, Westerner or Easterner, he will definitely be spend the rest of his life bowling alone.

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